#1030

The House of Mirrors may not be the scariest place in an amusement park, but it's a great place to shave your back.

#1101

Nov. 1st-7th is the one week of the year that you can say, "Smashing Pumpkins" to someone under twenty without being met with a face of total confusion.

#31

It's kind of cliche for girls to go out on Halloween as a "slutty policewoman" or "slutty cowgirl". Let's try some originality and show that you have more going for you than nice legs and big boobies. Show your substance. Go as "Slutty Christiane Amanpour". Combine brains and boobies. I'll respect you more for it.

#144

Sometimes, when you know someone's taking your picture, it's difficult not feel awkward. A good stand by is the "muscle flex", but only if you're a girl. When a girl does it it's like, "She thinks she has muscles, that's adorable." But when a guy does it he just looks like an a-hole.

#131

If you can pee your name in the snow you might impress a few people, but not as many as if you can poop your name in the snow.

#155

Never go to bed angry. Just keep arguing until neither of you are making any sense and you're basically talking about something completely different than when you started. Then, go to bed confused.

#142

Try to be more sensitive to political correctness. You shouldn't be using words like "slut", or "whore". They prefer "Lingerie Football League".

#12

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. If that bird gets out of your hand and starts flying wildly about your house it will freak pretty much everybody out and turn grown men into screaming, giggling girls.

#160

If you fall off a building, flap your arms. Flap'em like crazy. It's not going to save you but it'll give the people watching something to laugh about.

#35

You're right to be suspicious of a skinny person carrying a bowling ball bag.

#29

Be super nice and overly friendly to a minority today. It's the good kind of racist!

#150

Here's one about masturbation! Did you know that auto-erotic asphyxiation has killed more people than sharks? It makes sense if you think about it, how a shark is supposed to get a belt around it's neck is beyond me.

#69

I think sex with twin midget girls would be like wrestling around with puppies. Initially, it's your idea but then they kinda get more into it than you. Then the smell of their saliva starts making you nauseated, so you hurt one on purpose, just a little bit, so they'll leave you alone.

#80

If you can't find your wedding ring and you think you've searched everywhere, try your girlfriend's house. That's where I always seem to find mine.

#146

The pockets of your jeans and your genitals are strong indicators of your gender. If they have flaps, you're a girl.

#72

You can lead a horse to water but you can't get it to stop making romantic comedies or sequels to Sex and the City.

#26

If you're looking for a challenge, roofie yourself and then see if you can successfully date rape yourself before you pass out.

#31

Nothing says Attention Whore like a passive aggressive Facebook status. "Don't ask, I don't want to talk about it." Don't worry, I won't.

#13

Be aware of strange men at Disneyland without children. Disneyland is like Disneyland for pedophiles.

#77

If someone says, "Stop" and you don't immediately at least think, "Hammertime", you weren't a teenager in the late eighties-early nineties.

#152

If a person says, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." they're probably not cool enough for Vegas to start with.

#140

"Sextuplets" is one of those words where the word is considerably hotter than it's definition.

#151

If they didn't want you to eat the bulk lemon pie filling straight out of the bucket at he store, there wouldn't be a giant spoon in it.

#51

You didn't literally wait a million hours for your coffee and your child doesn't literally light up a room. When they canceled your favourite show, you didn't think you were literally going to die. You should literally look up the definition of literally in the dictionary.

#420

Don't believe everything that you read.  A recent study conducted by insideline.com concluded that after 85 people were tested, marijuana has little or no effect on their ability to drive. ( http://www.insideline.com/car-news/study-pot-has-little-effect-on-driving-skills.html ) 

However, a more recent study conducted by an independent group (me) on one person (me) shows that yes it absolutely does.

#120

If fans of the Insane Clown Posse are called "Juggalos", maybe we should start calling fans of Jack Johnson "Huggalos".

#148

A good indication of your financial situation is the amount of time you spend contemplating whether or not you should throw away your tooth brush after dropping it in the toilet.