Tuesday, 28 January 2014


If at first you don't succeed, go home and watch TV. Don't be so hard on yourself, maybe basket weaving just isn't your thing.


Take the time in school to learn a foreign language. I, myself, squandered the opportunity and only really began to regret it yesterday when I pooped an Omega, the 24th letter of the Greek alphabet. How many other letters and symbols have I pooped in the past and not even realized it? Makes you think.


Two wrongs don't make a right. It must take more wrongs than that. I'm not sure exactly how many, so just keep making wrongs until it all evens out.

Sunday, 5 February 2012


The only "B" word you should ever use to describe a lady is beautiful. Bitches eat that shit up.

Monday, 16 January 2012


If you don't give a shit what anyone thinks of you, the best way to make sure everyone knows that is to say it three or four times in every conversation.

Sunday, 18 December 2011


The difference between a homeless guy and a hobo is that a hobo carries one of those bag on a stick thingies and teaches children in '90's Christmas movies valuable lessons about family.


It can be busy at the bank this time of year, people need to extend their lines of credit to buy the gifts that TV and radio are telling them their loved ones really want. Get yourself to the front of the line by wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. People are more than eager to get out of the way or even leave the bank completely. It just sends the message you're in a hurry and need to get skiing and shooting.