#121803

The difference between a homeless guy and a hobo is that a hobo carries one of those bag on a stick thingies and teaches children in '90's Christmas movies valuable lessons about family.

#121802

It can be busy at the bank this time of year, people need to extend their lines of credit to buy the gifts that TV and radio are telling them their loved ones really want. Get yourself to the front of the line by wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. People are more than eager to get out of the way or even leave the bank completely. It just sends the message you're in a hurry and need to get skiing and shooting.

#121801

If you're going to visit Santa and tell him what you want for X-Mas, make sure you bring your lap-sanitizer.

#120802

If you're a van enthusiast and a rap enthusiast, you should combine your two passions. I did, so if you see me cruising around in my van with the personalized plates "RAP VAN", make sure you wave!

#120801

If your morning wood has moss on it, see a doctor immediately.

#111906

If you can hear them talking, they can hear you pooping.

#111905

Online businesses like amazon.com are killing the brick and mortar stores, so you should support them whenever possible, except if you're actually buying brick and mortar, that stuff is WAY cheaper online.

#111904

Christmas is just around the corner. If you meet someone at a party and you notice they've started eating the honey dew or the cantaloupe when there's still grapes or pineapple left in the fruit tray, walk away. That's a major red flag.

#111903

Pizza is like sex; if you've had enough to drink, you don't care where you get it or how much it costs.

#111902

If you have a pet unicorn don't give her a name like Princess Sparkle, give her a regular name like Candace or Jennifer because you think she doesn't think she's pretty goddamn special already.

#111901

If you're having a hard time falling asleep, you should try to figure out which direction you have to face to make it easier. For example, for my wife and I, that direction is "away".

#110404

NEVER take candy from strangers. Except on Halloween, when it's widely encouraged. Basically, SOMETIMES take candy from strangers.

#110405

They say the best way to get your body used to daylight savings time is to not be such a pussy and just deal with it.

#110403

Wondering if your young son is gay because he likes to wear his mother's shoes is like wondering if your son might be Indian because he loves butter chicken. Even if he is, so what? Just love him for who he is; a gay, white Indian with the same taste in footwear as his mother.

#110402

If you want to know what an encyclopedia is, you can Google it.

#110401

Your marriage should last longer then the 90 day return policy on the gifts you were given.

#1030

The House of Mirrors may not be the scariest place in an amusement park, but it's a great place to shave your back.

#1101

Nov. 1st-7th is the one week of the year that you can say, "Smashing Pumpkins" to someone under twenty without being met with a face of total confusion.

#31

It's kind of cliche for girls to go out on Halloween as a "slutty policewoman" or "slutty cowgirl". Let's try some originality and show that you have more going for you than nice legs and big boobies. Show your substance. Go as "Slutty Christiane Amanpour". Combine brains and boobies. I'll respect you more for it.

#144

Sometimes, when you know someone's taking your picture, it's difficult not feel awkward. A good stand by is the "muscle flex", but only if you're a girl. When a girl does it it's like, "She thinks she has muscles, that's adorable." But when a guy does it he just looks like an a-hole.

#131

If you can pee your name in the snow you might impress a few people, but not as many as if you can poop your name in the snow.

#155

Never go to bed angry. Just keep arguing until neither of you are making any sense and you're basically talking about something completely different than when you started. Then, go to bed confused.

#142

Try to be more sensitive to political correctness. You shouldn't be using words like "slut", or "whore". They prefer "Lingerie Football League".

#12

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. If that bird gets out of your hand and starts flying wildly about your house it will freak pretty much everybody out and turn grown men into screaming, giggling girls.

#160

If you fall off a building, flap your arms. Flap'em like crazy. It's not going to save you but it'll give the people watching something to laugh about.

#35

You're right to be suspicious of a skinny person carrying a bowling ball bag.

#29

Be super nice and overly friendly to a minority today. It's the good kind of racist!

#150

Here's one about masturbation! Did you know that auto-erotic asphyxiation has killed more people than sharks? It makes sense if you think about it, how a shark is supposed to get a belt around it's neck is beyond me.

#69

I think sex with twin midget girls would be like wrestling around with puppies. Initially, it's your idea but then they kinda get more into it than you. Then the smell of their saliva starts making you nauseated, so you hurt one on purpose, just a little bit, so they'll leave you alone.

#80

If you can't find your wedding ring and you think you've searched everywhere, try your girlfriend's house. That's where I always seem to find mine.

#146

The pockets of your jeans and your genitals are strong indicators of your gender. If they have flaps, you're a girl.

#72

You can lead a horse to water but you can't get it to stop making romantic comedies or sequels to Sex and the City.

#26

If you're looking for a challenge, roofie yourself and then see if you can successfully date rape yourself before you pass out.

#31

Nothing says Attention Whore like a passive aggressive Facebook status. "Don't ask, I don't want to talk about it." Don't worry, I won't.

#13

Be aware of strange men at Disneyland without children. Disneyland is like Disneyland for pedophiles.

#77

If someone says, "Stop" and you don't immediately at least think, "Hammertime", you weren't a teenager in the late eighties-early nineties.

#152

If a person says, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." they're probably not cool enough for Vegas to start with.

#140

"Sextuplets" is one of those words where the word is considerably hotter than it's definition.

#151

If they didn't want you to eat the bulk lemon pie filling straight out of the bucket at he store, there wouldn't be a giant spoon in it.

#51

You didn't literally wait a million hours for your coffee and your child doesn't literally light up a room. When they canceled your favourite show, you didn't think you were literally going to die. You should literally look up the definition of literally in the dictionary.

#420

Don't believe everything that you read.  A recent study conducted by insideline.com concluded that after 85 people were tested, marijuana has little or no effect on their ability to drive. ( http://www.insideline.com/car-news/study-pot-has-little-effect-on-driving-skills.html ) 

However, a more recent study conducted by an independent group (me) on one person (me) shows that yes it absolutely does.

#120

If fans of the Insane Clown Posse are called "Juggalos", maybe we should start calling fans of Jack Johnson "Huggalos".

#148

A good indication of your financial situation is the amount of time you spend contemplating whether or not you should throw away your tooth brush after dropping it in the toilet.

#138

I'm a guy. If you call my shirt a "top", you're pretty much begging me for a fight.

#141

If you tell someone they are being "Holier than thou", realize that you just used "thou" in a sentence. And me telling you about that makes me holier than thouier. Like a double-reverse holier than thou.

#113

If you're having a hard time meeting women, maybe you should rethink wearing that Corona poncho.

#52

Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you a really nice, big house. You can go out to eat whenever you want and never look at the price and drive around in fancy cars. I guess what I'm saying is, money can definitely buy you happiness.

#73

If you're sitting alone on a park bench wearing a sweater, I'm just gonna go ahead and assume you're gay.

#112

If you can look at a glass and see it as half full, you're an optimist. If you look at a glass and see it as half empty, you're an alcoholic.

#138

Men, if you're questioning your sexuality, ask yourself this, does your favourite movie have a shopping montage in it? If it does, you're going to be having a difficult conversation with your parents.

#122

If you haven't had the opportunity to see "Just Go With It", drop whatever you're doing, head out to the video store and pick up a copy. Then, unwrap it, remove the disk and rub it back and forth on a coarse surface until your arms hurt.

#139

Nobody in the history of novelty shirts has overheard a girl say, "I'm totally gonna do that guy in the tuxedo t-shirt."

#91

If you're looking for a challenge, I suggest taking one more laxative than recommended, one more sleeping pill than recommended and then driving the Sea to Sky Highway.

#134

I suppose, if I'm being completely honest with you, this is more of a warning than a tip per se; if you bend over in front of me, I'm going to air-hump you. I AM ONLY HUMAN!

#73

If you have trouble making conversation with people you can look up interesting facts on the internet. If they keep trying to talk to you, ignore them and keep looking up interesting facts on the internet.

#123

Try to keep your name out of any sentence with the word "vehicular" in it.

#126

Muffins are cupcakes... FOR BREAKFAST!

#127

You might be like me and think that "rendezvous" is one of the most romantic words you've ever heard. Though, if you are like me, you're surprised that when you looked it up it wasn't French for "in the butt".

#45

Two of the greatest words in the English language are "no offense". Put them at the beginning or end of a statement and you're pretty much aloud to say whatever you want. "No offense, but I think your mother is ugly." "I think the ideals you hold sacred are completely stupid, no offense." Isn't that fantastic? Total immunity!

#66

Stay positive. The worst handicap a person can have is a bad attitude or, as I call it "Frown Syndrome".

#115

If you wake up before your alarm it's better just stay up. It always seems like you're more tired if you try to go back to sleep. My alarm was set to go off at 5:45am but I ended up waking up at 1:45am and I'm still going strooooooooooooooooooooooopengggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggtreo g

#116

They say a picture is worth a thousand words but it's really only nine hundred and seventy one. I counted. I guess whoever said that rounded it up so it sounded cooler.

#123

If you're trying to devise a complex virus to shut down the internet I have a much simpler solution for you. Send my mother-in-law a picture of a duckling wearing rain boots. It will be forwarded around so quickly it'll plug up the internet for a week.

#31

I was at a restaurant on the weekend and in the washroom there was a sign that said, "Employees must wash hands." I got sick of waiting for one so I washed them myself.

#20

Don't bother playing "Guess Who?" with Samuel L. Jackson. The only question he'll ask is, "DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH!?!"

#5

If you play Rebecca Black's "Friday" backwards you'll hear satanic messages which is still better than playing it forward because you'll hear Rebecca Black's "Friday".

#119

It's dangerous to drive and talk on the phone at the same time. If you put your speaker phone on and hold it six inches away from your ear that's totally different. That's perfectly safe.

#41

 Men, never make prolonged eye-contact with another man while eating a banana.

#112

Your dog isn't so ugly he's cute, he's so ugly he's super ugly.

#118

You can get a nice car for $25,000. Very nice. You could even get this car, an HHR in "Sundried Diarrhea", though I have no idea why you would.

#107

If you use the bottle opener on your key chain more than you use the keys you probably have a drinking problem. If you refer to them as the "key-chain attached to your bottle opener" you definitely have a drinking problem.

#97

Money can't buy Happiness, but she'll give you a lapdance for $20. Prices go up from there.

#63

ALWAYS practice safe sex. Use protection even if you know and trust the person you're with. It's better to be safe than sore-y.

#74

If you say, "I'm not a (racist/homophobe/sexist), but..." more than twice a week you're probably a (racist/homophobe/sexist).

#110

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Punches and kicks say more than words can any day.

#108

If a rap song has made a forgotten classic rock song popular you MUST do the following:

    1. Burn the original rock song onto a cd.
    2. Think the rap lyrics in your head when it comes on.
    3. If your friend thinks it's the rap song, act all smug and claim to have never heard the rap song. This is your    FAVORITE SONG EVER!

     This also works with songs made popular by "Glee", whatever that is.

#106

Feel passionately about a cause but don't want the massive hassle of donating time and/or money? Just "Like" that causes Facebook page. It's basically the same thing. Now, just sit back and let the satisfaction wash over you.

#37

So you've run out of clean underwear? No problem, just wear your bathing suit under your clothes!

#82

Your probably using "your" incorrectly. If you think this may be true, read over you're Facebook status or comment to make sure it's right before hitting "Share".

#22

You can't wear too much Ed Hardy. You gotta let the douche-light burn bright!

#21

ALWAYS lift with your back!

#64

Is your favorite starlet upset over some leaked nude photographs? E-mail her a few of you naked. Show her chivalry is not dead!

#33

If you have a disagreement with the counter person at an establishment, eg. a video store (Do they still have those?), be sure to get loud and animated. Belligerent. Swear if children are present. You need to show these people you're better than them and the best way to do that is by acting like an asshole.

#61

That handicapped guy just parked in a regular parking space! Are you gonna stand for that?

#4

Ran out of time to brush your teeth this morning? Eat that candy cane in the bottom of your fanny pack!

#18

When you're in traffic and the person in the next lane puts on their turn signal, be sure to speed up and block them from changing lanes. You just shaved 2 seconds off your morning commute!

#24

If you see a woman walking alone after dark, offer her a ride. If she declines, remind her to stay safe. There's a lot of weirdos out there!

#90

If you come across a stranger in need of assistance who asks for your help, (flat tire, hold a door open or, worst of all, help with lifting something heavy) just repeat this simple phrase, "I go to school for learn English." Then just walk away clean. Works every time!

#38

How can you expect it to heal if you don't pick at it?

#44

Having trouble removing the plastic wrap from your new cd? They have something for that now. It's called the internet and you can download music for free! I haven't bought a cd since 1999!

#3

Do you have a friend with a waterbed? If so, you should stop hanging out with him. I mean seriously, a waterbed?

#47

Why do all porn stores kinda smell the same? It's you, weirdo!

Tibe's Bonus Tip:

#47a. What are you doing paying for porn, anyway? There's so much of it for free on the internet you sometimes find it even when you aren't looking! No one should have paid for porn in ten years.

#71

Today is Take a Stand Against Homophobia day. To show my support I am incorporating some "gay words" into my vocabulary. Words like fancy, musical and brunch. I'm also going to kiss any dudes I think might be gay to show I'm not afraid of them. Besides, all gay guys like all other guys, so they'll probably really like that.

#11

The key to success as a children's entertainer is a memorable moniker, so don't use "Expozo the Clown". IT'S TAKEN!

#40

If you have a friend who recently lost his arms and you're trying to think of a gift for him, I wouldn't suggest a vest, that's just rubbing it in.

#7

If you're going to cheat, cheat up. DON'T BE A SCHWARZENEGGER!

#1

Diet and excercise are important, especially if you're going to lift your shirt and expose your lop-sided boobies on international television.

#45

If your baby drops a huge diaper bomb while your wife is out, ignore your baby and act like you didn't smell it until she gets home.

#30

Having a problem with your self esteem? Go to the beach with your ugly friend!

#16

Faking an old sports injury won't get you out of having to dance but being an asshole will.

#9

Charities say that if instead of buying your daily coffee you donated that money to their charity, they could do a lot of good with it. If don't drink coffee OR donate to charity you'll be saving money all over the place!

#17

When driving it's important to stay calm. Be su-YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LANE! JUST GO! TURN! We're gonna miss the light now!

#46

Don't waste time regretting the decisions you've made. Nobody can foresee the future. Don't believe me? Just ask all the people who named their daughter Paris in the late nineties.

Special Edition in which the Tip is Accompanied by a Picture Edition.

If your lady friend, or special lady, is trying to get in shape but is too lazy to actually do anything about it, Tibe's Tips recommends Shape-Ups. They're a crazy shoe that tones your legs and butt as you walk or, I guess, sit on the couch watching Police Women of Broward County and as you can see by the picture they are doing wonders for spokes person Kim Kardashian.

#8

Is your name Bono? No? Are you blind? No? Then take off your sunglasses. YOU. ARE. INDOORS!

Special Edition in which the Tip is Accompanied by a Video Edition.

Afraid you'll never find a woman to love you? Speak to her about your passions. Unless your passion is filming buses around Vancouver then editing the footage and putting it on Youtube. Keep that to yourself.

(This video's called "Buses in Vancouver, BC (Volume 7)". VOLUME 7!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbmrmTFexIQ&feature=related

#11

Did something super-obvious just happen? Osama Bin Laden, hockey game results, natural disaster? Be sure to post it as your Facebook status!

#6

I'm fairly certain we all have something, however large or small, that we wish we could change about ourselves. It's even worse when this trait is something very obvious. It can be worse still if people have given you a nickname based on it. That's why I'm asking you all to please stop calling me "Mr. Handsome Face".

#88

There's a stigma that if you're good at something and you do that thing in front of people you're "showing off". Is Tiger "showing off" when he hits a golf ball? Is Adele "showing off" when she sings a song? Was I showing off when I clothes-lined the guy riding too close on his bike? I don't think so.

#68

It's important to educate your children about teen pregnancy. For one thing, it can get you on TV! How cool is that? Better yet, if you are stupid enough to get pregnant at 15, you'll probably do any number of other stupid things which will lead to fame and fortune! Can you think of a better way to get on the cover of In-Touch magazine?

#29

When you're at the hospital with your mother in law and the doctor is about to make a hole in her fingernail to relieve pressure DON'T say, "This is gonna be awesome!" They don't want to hear it.

#65

Remember, the chubbier you are, the tighter your clothes, the skinnier you look.

#86

If you're trying to convince someone that seeing strippers is degrading don't use the, "They are somebody's daughter, somebody's sister" argument. That just makes it WAY hotter.

#27

We all know about about sore losers but there is also such a thing as a sore winner. For example, nobody likes to watch someone shoot their finger-guns into the air.

Tibes Asides:
...
#1.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, it's how awesome the riot is afterward.

#31

If you get something in your eye, rub it. It'll never come out if you don't rub it.

#65

When at the gym, it's important to check yourself out in the mirror between each set. When possible, lift your shirt and check your abs even if you've been working your arms. I don't know if it adds any benefit to your actual workout, but it signifies that you are a douche and lets people around you know not to associate with you.

#36

Hit a rough patch in your relationship? Maybe it's time to think about having a(nother) baby. Nothing brings two people together like sleepless nights and arguments about whose turn it is to change a diaper.

#70

When you see a person of paler complexion (like me) who is sunburned (like me) be sure to say something like, "Gotta little sun today, eh?" (like an asshole). We LOVE that!

#76

It's important to keep a positive outlook. For instance, this morning I went out to my car and it had three inflated tires!

#75

The Bible doesn't really mention it, but many theologians speculate that Jesus had a step-brother named Donnie. He was not an Apostle, as once believed, but more like Turtle from Entourage, giving Jesus rides. Stuff like that. In exchange, Jesus would turn water into wine for Donnie and his "Bros".

#1

Kaitlen Violet Deterrent McDermott and I have a unique investment opportunity for everyone. We're opening a reverse-strip club for furries/plushies. They start off naked and slowly put on their costume. Bunny, wolf, whatever. They need a safe place to explore their bizarre fantasies and we want to exploit that. This is absolutely a real thing.(*)

(*) Not a real thing.

#32

With all these fraudulent charities set up these days it's important to do your research and find out where your donation is really going. That's why I ask so many personal questions at bikini car-washes.

#46

#46.1 If life hands you lemons:

1 lemon

2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. Blue Curacao
1 oz. simple syrup
Crushed ice
Top with Sprite in a 21 oz. glass

#46.2. If life hands you melons you're probably dyslexic.

#87

It's important to remember that what goes on in a person's bedroom is their, and only their, business. As long as they aren't breaking the law or hurting anyone they should be left alone. With that, I will now return to my outer-space thong-mannequin jungle orgy.

#28

Global warming is happening, that's a fact. Why is it happening? Some scientists say it's man and others say it's nature. How do we know for sure? I, personally, am waiting for a skinny blonde with big boobs and an Australian accent to weigh in. I'll go along with pretty much whatever a girl like that says.

#19

We all know how important it is to show support for our favorite sports team through rioting but we can't ignore our responsibilities. This is my morning routine after a long night of rioting:

One line of coke, ten quick jumping jacks.
...
One line of Emergen-C drink crystals, screaming at children.

This should keep you going all day and well into the night. You're welcome.

#49

If you have a friend who's thinking about trying axe-murder, you gotta put that puppy to bed. Everybody knows that axe-murder is a gateway murder and before long he'll wanna try the hard stuff, like chainsaw massacres.

#74

"Youth is wasted on the young." is one way to put it. Another is that the four year window in which you think "Wolfman's got nards!" (9-13) is funny is gonna be the BEST time of your life and you don't even realize it.

#54

Take time and think about all the people in the world trying to make a difference. People like Angelina Jolie. She travels to third world countries all over the globe, talking with people and trying to understand their problems. Could you do that? I couldn't, I get the heebie jeebies from people who use public transit.

#102

Midgets don't like it when you call midgets "midgets". It's insensitive

#53

If given the opportunity, fart while sitting naked on an excercise ball. You can think back to the sound for at least a week and smile.

#16

If anyone ever puts a gun to your head and makes you choose between Coke and Pepsi, it's time to re-evaluate the people you associate with. They are WAY too passionate about cola. 

The correct answer is Pepsi, by the way.

#63

Talk to your kids about drugs. Specifically, find out if they have any or if they know where I can get some.

#82

If your young son still thinks girls have "cooties", go with it as long as you can. It saves you the embarassment of pronouncing the host of terrifying sexually transmitted diseases they actually have.

#21

Double standards are not a good thing. They can be quite hurtful. For example; if a girl sleeps with every guy she meets she's a "slut" or a "whore" but if a guy does the exact same thing he's a "homosexual".

#32

If you think your friend has had to much to drink and you don't want him to drive, take away his keys. If he won't give you his keys attach a six inch spike to the top of his steering wheel and see if he still thinks he's ok to drive.

#122

There are a lot of terrifying STD's out there these days, you can't be too careful. That's why I masturbate with hand sanitizer instead of lotion. I don't know who took this library book out before me.

#94

Fashion is on a loop. The 90's are next. I'm glad I kept my Hyper-Color shirts, red jeans and LA Gears. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hair appointment at 4 and it's already 3:15 according to my Swatch. Just enough time to finish my McDonald's pizza and Tahiti Treat. Man, I'm gonna look so cool with an under-cut under my leather ball cap with "OPP" on it. Look for me at the Color Me Badd concert.