#111906

If you can hear them talking, they can hear you pooping.

#111905

Online businesses like amazon.com are killing the brick and mortar stores, so you should support them whenever possible, except if you're actually buying brick and mortar, that stuff is WAY cheaper online.

#111904

Christmas is just around the corner. If you meet someone at a party and you notice they've started eating the honey dew or the cantaloupe when there's still grapes or pineapple left in the fruit tray, walk away. That's a major red flag.

#111903

Pizza is like sex; if you've had enough to drink, you don't care where you get it or how much it costs.

#111902

If you have a pet unicorn don't give her a name like Princess Sparkle, give her a regular name like Candace or Jennifer because you think she doesn't think she's pretty goddamn special already.

#111901

If you're having a hard time falling asleep, you should try to figure out which direction you have to face to make it easier. For example, for my wife and I, that direction is "away".

#110404

NEVER take candy from strangers. Except on Halloween, when it's widely encouraged. Basically, SOMETIMES take candy from strangers.

#110405

They say the best way to get your body used to daylight savings time is to not be such a pussy and just deal with it.

#110403

Wondering if your young son is gay because he likes to wear his mother's shoes is like wondering if your son might be Indian because he loves butter chicken. Even if he is, so what? Just love him for who he is; a gay, white Indian with the same taste in footwear as his mother.

#110402

If you want to know what an encyclopedia is, you can Google it.

#110401

Your marriage should last longer then the 90 day return policy on the gifts you were given.